7 month after this all started ... finally its Transfer Day!

First baby pictures ...  Embryo A & B.
Why is one lighter and bigger, and one dark and more compact?  Embryos are like a sea anemone, the one on the left is fully expanded making it look larger, while the one on the right is still expanding after the thaw.

Here we are again.  Feels a little like Déjà vu, been here too many times before ... but this time was a little different ... I was able to sit on the other side of it all.  I have to say, I have never walked into doctors office and walked out with another woman carrying my husbands baby – and excited about it!  I think it was a first for both of us!  

Sitting in the waiting room gave me a little chuckle.  There were 3 other couples in there waiting and I could only think that here we are – both sitting together, no husbands, just us.  I know same-sex couples go in often to extend their families but that is all I could think of sitting there – I am sure everyone else just assumed we we’re that lesbian couple – I am surprised we didn’t get more looks coming in, or while we waited … maybe it was because no one wanting to look up from their phones to give that impression or no one really cared.  Either way it gave me a laugh and helped to lighten the feel of what was waiting for us in the back room ... my nerves going into another transfer were through the roof. 

This transfer was a little different – typically on 'transfer day' I wake up and shower, but have to shower with non-scented soap (thank you Dove), and then proceed to get ready making sure I have no lotion, deodorant, hair spray, makeup, perfume or any other possible scented thing on my body.  I was once told by an RE that scents can harm the embryos during transfer because they are extremely susceptible to outside environmental factors, so it a ‘rule/guideline’ I have taken with me to all transfers (even though I have since been informed thats more for the embryologist - not the parents).  Not sure if you have seen that deodorant commercial that 'stress sweat' is different than other sweat … but it is.  There is nothing like going into a transfer with 4-6 other people in the room, more than half of them deal with vagina's, and lots of them, on and every day bases … its there job, so of course they probably don’t care.  But knowing you have an audience of on lookers you usually make sure you spend a little extra time in the shower (or wax salon) getting that baby all cleaned up and ready for the spotlight.  But let me tell you when you’re spread eagle in stir-ups and have a Doppler pressing hard into your bladder (praying to yourself you don’t pee on the doctors face) and your vajaja spread with a speculum and getting prepped for a uterine catheter, you kinda of forget all about your girly-parts being on display because your just hoping no one can smelling you, like you can, because you know you stink like a 14-year old boy who just left 5 hours at the gym. 

They stress relaxation is the best thing for transfer, a relaxed uterus is the best environment for implanting embryos, which is why they give patients Valium before transfer.  So this transfer morning we went to a day spa and got 'BB' set up with a quiet and relaxing facial.  The plan originally was to spend the morning at the spa to enjoy a facial and massage, but we didn’t have enough time to get it all in before having to be at the clinic.  
Shortly after arriving at the clinic they took her back to get her set up with pre-transfer acupuncture and Valium … although I think it might have been better for me to get the Valium, or 3!  But apparently no one thought I would have the driving ability afterward ... no faith :)

If you ever have a desire, or dream, to be a unicorn, acupuncture is probably the closest you will get, and 'BB' was able to experience being unicorn that day.  One of the spots of the acupuncture is dead center between your eyes, and the needles they use during the transfer are quite l.o.n.g. … so she had a lovely little unicorn horn she was able to stare during the whole process, because she wasn't able to see much of anything else.

I don’t claim to be a radiologist, or a doctor, but I have seen enough ultrasounds of my darn uterus that I can pretty much tell what is normal vs what is not … and having that knowledge is not always a good thing.  After we said our hellos my nurse when straight over and started getting her prepped, as we were running a little behind, first thing was to take a look at the lining … that was when the mood in the room changed some.  As soon as I saw the screen I knew something was not quite right , but I kept telling myself I wasn’t a doctor and everyone’s uterus looks a bit different and started praying like crazy.  Dr. S was quiet through the whole thing, as was my nurse, and things started to feel a little tense and weird.  He let out quite a few heavy sighs and I was hoping it wasn’t due to the reason I saw on the screen.  Trying to feel everyone out I started asking some questions ... how their day had been, if they had been busy with transfers and retrievals ect.  I knew we were coming in on the very last day of the cycle, 2 straight weeks of seeing patients, performing egg retrievals and doing transfers would make for an exhausted last day, and I hoping that his demeanor was due to just that!   Much to my dismay I was told it had been a slow morning (because it was the very last day of cycle) and with that news, the knot in my stomach only got worse.  Dr. S left the room for a bit and came back in, didn’t really think much of it, but he went on to the transfer very quietly.  Some people are able to hid emotions very well, my nurse is one of them …. My doctor not so much.  

We transferred our 2 very best embryos, both which were Grade 1 ... its the highest of grading the embryologist gives out.  They were in layman's term "perfect" embryos.  The transfer its  went smooth and our 2 little ‘twinkies’ were all settled in.  They draped her up, pulled her up on the table and had her lay there, still looking like a unicorn, for about 30 mins.  I left the room and allowed her to have her quite time to relax.

The bright white dot at the base of the arrow, is the embryos all snuggled in for  some hibernation 

As soon as I walked out of the room I met my nurse outside the door, in tears. I was hoping it was tears of happiness but knew deep down my worries were about to be confirmed, I already had a hunch about what was going on…. I wasn’t an armature at this.  

'BB' went in on Sunday and made the 9mm cut, amazing and shocking news for everyone, and she was cleared for transfer.  That night she stared progesterone, which is suppose to “lock in” uterine lining, but at the same time as starting progesterone, you also stop all the other meds that help to grow the lining.  When they checked her lining moments before transfer, what I saw on the screen was in fact confirmed.  Her lining had shrunk, and dramatically.  It was only about 6/6.5mm, they said at very best maybe 6.5-7mm, but that was pushing it.  Apparently when my doctor left the room, mid-prepping, it was to talk to the embryologist.  He was going to call off the transfer because the lining was not likely to be successful, it wasn't prime to be susceptible to the embryos, but our embryos were already thawed … and they cant be re-frozen.  Given those circumstances our doctor went ahead with the transfer, because it was either throw the embryos away, or transfer, and of course the best place for the embryos at the point in time, was in the uterus – extremely thin lining or not.   We were given the success rates of 60% per embryos, but that was with healthy uterine lining, the success rates dropped by 80% due to the extreme thinness. After the transfer, we went an had a little lunch at Smash burger, then headed back to the hotel for a day of bed rest and vegging with movies, magazines and tv!  

I am thankful that we are only required to have ‘faith like a mustard seed’ because every day my faith ranges.  One moment I go from confident and leaning fully on my faith knowing God's got this – I mean we did pray over everything and all the doors were open to moving forward - but then another moment I am doubtful, worried and and will admit only have a mustard seed of faith.  The past is haunting and its very easy to remember that we have been down this road numerous times before and it hasn't ended very well.  In the end I just have to remembering, “If God brings you to it, he will bring you through it” no matter what the end results is, good or bad! 

Transfer day ... to beta.  Let the wait begin.